It is a question that may creep into your head after another argument you did not mean to start, a text left unanswered too long, or the quiet voice in your head whispering that things are "too good to be true"- why are you self-sabotaging your relationship? If you have ever found yourself pulling away just when things are going well, you are not alone. Self-sabotage in relationships is more common than we admit- an unconscious defense mechanism rooted in fear, past wounds, or a struggle with self-worth. While on the surface it might look like disinterest, criticism, or withdrawal, underneath lies a vulnerable part of you that is afraid of being hurt, rejected, or truly seen.
Understanding why you sabotage love is the first step toward changing the pattern. Often, it is not about the other person- it is about the stories you carry, the walls you have built, and the survival strategies you learned before you even realized what they were for. In this post, we will explore the deeper reasons behind self-sabotage in relationships and what it takes to break the cycle so you can move toward connection, not conflict.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is purposely sabotaging relationships?
Purposely sabotaging relationships is also called conscious self-sabotage. Conscious self-sabotage is when someone deliberately acts in ways that damage or destroy a relationship, even if they care about the other person. This can include starting unnecessary fights, cheating, withholding affection, being overly critical, or suddenly pulling away. Unlike unconscious sabotage (which is driven by hidden fears or unresolved trauma), purposeful sabotage is more intentional, though still often rooted in emotional conflict or fear.
You may consciously self-sabotage because:
You fear getting hurt so you decide to end the relationship on your own terms
You doubt your worth and assume that the other person will eventually leave anyways
You feel trapped or overwhelmed so sabotage becomes an escape
You want to test your significant other’s love or loyalty (even if it is in unhealthy ways)
Even when the self-sabotaging behavior is intentional, the motivations behind it are typically complex and can be linked to deeper emotional struggles.
Why do I feel like I am going to ruin my relationship?
Feeling like you are going to ruin your relationship often comes from inner anxiety, fear of loss, or unresolved emotional baggage- not necessarily because anything is actually wrong in the relationship itself. You might deeply care about your partner and the connection which ironically can make the fear of messing it up even more intense. This fear might show up as overthinking, self-doubt, or hyper-sensitivity to minor issues or signs of rejection. For more information, check out our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
The following are possible reasons why you may feel like you are going to ruin your relationship:
Anxious attachment:
You may feel like you are being too much or not enough which leaves you constantly worried about how you are perceived. Read our blog “How to Use Anxious Attachment Therapy to Build Secure Attachment.”
Imposter syndrome in love:
You feel like you are not “good enough” or that your partner will perceive your imperfections and leave eventually. Check out our blog “7 Ways to Combat Imposter Syndrome.”
Fear from past experiences:
If you have been hurt, betrayed, or abandoned before, your brain may be on high alert, expecting it to happen again. View our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
Perfectionism:
You feel like you have to do everything right or the relationship will fail which creates constant pressure and stress. Our blog “Is Perfectionism A Coping Skill?” is a must-read.
The good news here is that you are recognizing your tendency to self-sabotage relationships! That is a solid spot to start your healing journey from.
Am I unhappy or self-sabotaging my relationship?
The answer to this question is a deeply personal one. The truth is that it may be a combination of both in some cases. At times, it can be hard to tell whether you are genuinely unhappy in your relationship or if you are self-sabotaging due to internal fears or patterns.
What are some common signs that may indicate that I am unhappy in my relationship?
You daydream about being out of the relationship more than you are present in it
The things that once brought you joy (e.g., conversation, shared time, intimacy, etc.) now feel forced or irritating
You feel constantly drained, disconnected, or resentful, even when things are peaceful
You have communicated your needs or boundaries but they continue to go unmet (Check out our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships”)
What are some common signs that may indicate that I am self-sabotaging in my relationship?
You question your significant other’s intentions without clear reasons or evidence
You notice a pattern of picking fights or pulling away when things are going “too well”
You feel undeserving of love or are convinced that the other person will leave so you decide to act first
You get overwhelmed by closeness or intimacy even though you deeply want it (Read our blog “How to Unlock Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship with An Intimacy Therapist”)
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to distinguish between unhappiness and self-sabotage in your relationship:
When I imagine a healthy, loving relationship, does it look like what I have now?
Am I reacting to my partner’s actual behavior or to fears and assumptions I have?
Do I avoid expressing my needs out of fear of being “too much” or “not enough”?
When conflict arises, do I seek resolution or do I subconsciously escalate or withdraw?
Do I feel more like myself when I am with my partner? Or does it feel like I am performing or hiding?
Have I felt similarly anxious or distant in past relationships?
Am I pushing my significant other away because I am afraid they will eventually leave or hurt me?
If I could remove my fear of being hurt or rejected, would I still want to be with this person?
Is my dissatisfaction rooted in who they are or in how I feel about myself?
Sometimes, unhappiness is a signal that something is no longer aligned for you. Other times, self-sabotage clouds what can actually be a healthy, loving romantic relationship.
If you are self-sabotaging your relationship, you are not alone. Research shows that approximately 63.3% of people report self-sabotage in their relationships. Working with a relationship counselor at Anchor Therapy can help you heal.
Why does my anxiety make me self-sabotage?
Your relationship anxiety may make you believe that disaster is inevitable so your brain does its best to try to get ahead of the potential pain and hurt by the only way it knows how- creating a sense of control through self-sabotage. To learn more, our blog “Why Do I Have Control Issues?” is a must-read.
Here is how anxiety may show up in relationships in the form of self-sabotage:
Overthinking and what-ifs:
Anxiety grows in worst-case scenarios. What if they leave? What if I am not enough for my partner? What if I show my emotions and it is too much for them? Obsessing over what might happen causes emotional distance, distrust, or even irrational behavior is actually your brain’s way of protecting you. For support, read our blog “How to Break the Cycle of Obsessive Thoughts.”
Fear of loss or projection:
Your anxiety may be telling you that your partner is going to leave, cheat, or stop loving you. To avoid the pain of being surprised or abandoned, you might push them away first.
Hypervigilance:
You are constantly looking for signs that something is wrong even when no real threat is present. This may cause you to take small things as proof that the relationship is failing.
Low self-worth:
You may believe that you are not enough or that you are too much which causes you to act out, test your significant other’s love, or even assume that you are unlovable. This can create problems when there are none. Check this blog out “Do You Understand Your Self Esteem?”.
Avoidance of vulnerability:
Deep connection requires an emotional risk and anxiety hates uncertainty! You might self-sabotage any form of closeness to avoid the discomfort of fully being seen or dependent on someone else. Read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
At the core, self-sabotage is a defense mechanism. You are trying to stay safe but the self-sabotage only ends up hurting you and your romantic relationships.
What are some signs of relationship anxiety?
Constant overthinking
Seeking reassurance
Fear-based behaviors
Pulling away or pushing your partner away
Physical or emotional symptoms
Self-doubt or self-sabotage
Check out our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety.”
How to handle relationship anxiety
Handling relationship anxiety means learning how to soothe your fears instead of letting it control you and your actions. It is not about trying to get completely rid of the anxiety. Instead, it is about learning how to understand it and respond to your anxiety differently.
First, when your anxiety is coming up- name it. Recognize when you are feeling anxious instead of trying to judge yourself for it or suppress it. The next time you feel anxious, try saying “This is my anxiety talking- it does not mean that something is wrong.”
When you feel anxious, try to notice if you are reacting to your current partner or to pain from your past. Typically, anxiety is a defense against old wounds. Noticing these old patterns can give you the space to choose new responses.
Do not be afraid to challenge the story that your brain is telling you. Anxiety has a tendency to spin worst-case scenarios. If you have an anxious romantic thought pop up, ask yourself “What evidence do I have for this?”. This may lead you to find a more balanced explanation.
When you are having anxious thoughts, it can be easy for anxiety-related behaviors to occur right away. When you are feeling triggered, take a moment to pause and breathe. Step away from starting an argument, put your phone down before sending that rage text, and try to connect with your partner instead of withdrawing. Try to practice mindfulness which you can do in many ways- from journaling to going for a walk or practicing breathwork. To learn more, read our blog “5 Ways to Start Practicing Mindfulness.”
Mindfulness can also help you regulate your nervous system. When you calm your body, you can calm your mind. Engage in movement or go out in nature to connect yourself to the present moment. Grounding exercises, such as the 5-4-3-2-1 method, can help you feel grounded as well.
Remember that it is ok to communicate your romantic needs from a place of honesty, but not fear. Instead of seeking reassurance or blaming your partner for something, you can just let your partner know where you are at. For instance, you may say “I get anxious when you do not answer my text quickly but it is something I am working on.”
Part of the healing journey is strengthening your inner foundation. Generally speaking, if you struggle with relationship anxiety, it can be worth it to work on your self-worth and emotional security outside of the relationship.
Building security within yourself is a powerful way to ease relationship anxiety. When you know your worth, you are able to trust your instincts. When you feel whole on your own, you are less likely to seek constant validation or fear abandonment. Building security looks like spending time on things that bring you joy- investing in friendships, setting healthy boundaries, enhancing your career, and reminding yourself that you are lovable and enough. Regardless of anyone else’s actions, you are worthy of love. Even when your emotions feel overwhelming, a strong inner foundation can help you stay grounded.
Self-sabotage is not a sign that you are broken- it is just a sign that there is something deeper that needs to be healed. Try bringing awareness to your patterns and questioning the fears beneath them. Respond to yourself with compassion instead of defense, just as you would to a friend or loved one. Love does not require perfection, it requires presence and honesty.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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