A lot of our clients find themselves giving away too much of themselves to others to a point that they feel worn out. Especially in this time during the holidays, people feel they need to give everything they can to others. Whether that is lending an ear to friends in need, giving gifts, or going above and beyond for others. If you find yourself doing to this to the point of exhaustion then you may be a people-pleaser. This usually means that you are taking care of others around you before you take care of yourself. Our clients who present as people-pleasers usually find themselves feeling anxious, drained, and overwhelmed.

Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, Florida, and New York.

Below are 11 reasons of how you may identify as a people-pleaser:

You want to avoid conflict
It usually feels easier to go along with what others say. You may find yourself avoiding confrontations with others so you can make them happy or you agree with what they say even if you feel otherwise. While conflict has a negative tone behind it, it is actually a part of communication and helps us grow. If you can get through a conflict with another person at work, at school, or elsewhere then it will make you a stronger and better person. If you avoid conflict by appeasing everyone, then you will most likely bottle up a lot of resentment.
You fear rejection
Most people have a fear of rejection. It could be fear of rejection from a job or from another person. If you are worried that you may get rejected then you will try to avoid it at all costs. For example, if you’re worried you may be rejected by your boss and you could be fired one day then you may go out of your way to go above and beyond to please your boss no matter the cost on your mental health. Another example would be that if you fear your partner could break up with you then you will work on pleasing them rather than expecting the same from them in return.
You fear disappointing others
No one wants to hear that they are a disappointment to others. But we can’t please everyone. There are just some people that it will be impossible to please. We are not all perfect and you will most likely experience some form of disappointment from another person you encounter in your life. If you try to please everyone then this will really drag your mental health through the mud.
You want something in return
It is possible that you go above and beyond for your friends and family so that you will receive the same care and attention in return. But what often happens is that not everyone is capable of giving as much time, attention, gifts, or love as another. Read our blog “Understanding The Five Love Languages To Improve Your Relationship” for more information.
This would lead you to feel that you are putting in way more energy and effort into your relationships than others are. You may feel that no one truly cares about you as much as you do to them. But this is not necessarily the case. It is possible that these other people in your life have some form of self-care in which they are taking time, energy, or money to take care of themselves first. It is important for everyone to find a nice balance between self-care and being there for others.
If you are interested in learning more about self-care, check out our blogs: “The Mental Health Benefits of Practicing Yoga” and “How Meditation Can Lead To Stress Reduction.”
You want others to be nice to you
You feel if you are nice to others then everyone will be nice to you in return. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. For example, let’s say you are checking out at the Target register and you go out of your way to be nice to the cashier by asking them how their day has been. This worker may in turn give you an attitude or not acknowledge your kindness. To you, you may feel offended since you just went out of your way to be nice to a stranger and you want the same courtesy in return. But it’s possible that the customer before you just yelled at this cashier or that this cashier just found out terrible personal news. You never know what is going on inside other people’s heads. Even though you’re nice to someone, it doesn’t mean that they will be in the right mood to return the nice feelings.
You want to fit in
It’s possible that there is a group of people who you want to like you and include you in their group. You may go out of your way to go above and beyond to fit in with them. For example, let’s say you’re a teen in high school and there’s a group you want to become friends with. It is likely that you will be willing to do things for them that you might not otherwise want to do. You may go out of your way to do their homework, dress like them, or make fun of another student because you want to fit in with them. This is pretty common for people-pleasers who want to fit in with others.
You are easily influenced by others
Some people are easily persuaded to think and feel a certain way. If you follow Kylie Kardashian on Instagram then you may be easily influenced to buy her makeup as she makes it seem so appealing. If there is a current trend to wear scrunchies then you will probably be susceptible to follow the trend and start wearing scrunchies. If others tell you what to do, you will most likely listen and follow their instructions without thought.
You are genuinely compassionate
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU. You get lost in taking care of everyone else that you forget about your own self-care and that is put last on your to-do list.
You don’t want to feel guilty for saying no
Saying, “no” is really hard to do for people who are people-pleasers. You have a hard time creating boundaries and knowing your limits. You are so focused on pleasing everyone else that you will say, “yes” to everything anyone asks you without thought. It’s important for everyone to know their limits and for everyone to know when to say, “no”.
Your self-worth comes from external validation
In the days of social media and getting likes, you may find yourself needing others to validate if you are a good person or not. Maybe you go out of your way to pay for a stranger’s Starbucks order, which is a very nice to do. But then you feel the urge to post about it on Facebook so others can validate you are a good person. Or you post a photo of you in a new outfit, only to find that your followers don’t think it looks good on you. You then return your new outfit. Examples like these show that you are easily influenced by what others think of you and not of how you actually feel about yourself. Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for some support.
You lack self-love
This is the most neglected part for people-pleasers. They are always ready to lend a hand or be there for someone else. But when it comes down to it, they are not there for themselves. People-pleasers are usually great listeners and give the best advice. But they can’t take that same advise themselves. People-pleasers usually don’t feel good enough or worthy enough to help themselves.