Have you ever found yourself obsessively thinking about someone, analyzing every interaction, and feeling a rush of euphoria just from a glance or text message? If so, you might be experiencing more than just a crush- you could be caught in the grip of limerence. Often mistaken for love or infatuation, limerence is a powerful emotional state characterized by intense longing, emotional dependence, and idealization of another person. It can be exhilarating, but also cause a lot of confusion and be emotionally exhausting.
Understanding whether what you are feeling is limerence can be the first step toward gaining clarity and emotional balance. In this post, we will explore what limerence really is, how it differs from genuine love or attraction, and the key signs that may indicate you are experiencing it. By recognizing the symptoms, you can start to navigate your emotions more mindfully and make choices that support your emotional well-being!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is limerence?
Limerence is an intense, involuntary emotional state where a person becomes obsessively infatuated with another- often referred to as the limerent object. It goes far beyond a typical crush or early-stage romantic interest. People experiencing limerence find themselves constantly thinking about the other person, replaying conversations, fantasizing about future interactions, and analyzing even the smallest gestures for hidden meaning. This mental preoccupation can feel euphoric when things seem to be going well, but it can also be emotionally painful when there is uncertainty, distance, or perceived rejection. Check out our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
At the core of limerence is a powerful desire for emotional reciprocation. Unlike love, which tends to be more stable and rooted in a deeper understanding of the other person, limerence is often based on idealization. The limerent object may be seen as perfect or uniquely suited to complete the limerent’s emotional world despite limited or ambiguous evidence that the feelings are mutual. This can lead to a kind of emotional dependence where your self-worth and mood become tied to how the other person responds or behaves.
Biologically, research shows that limerence is driven by a surge of neurochemicals such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin which fuel the highs of attention and the lows of uncertainty. In many ways, it actually mimics addiction by rewarding the brain with feel-good chemicals during contact and creating withdrawal-like symptoms in its absence. While limerence can sometimes evolve into mutual, lasting love, it more often leads to confusion, emotional exhaustion, or heartbreak, especially when the connection is not grounded in reality or reciprocated. For more information, our blog “Why Do I Feel Addicted To Love?” is a must-read.
What are some signs of limerence?
Obsessive thoughts about the person, often involuntary and difficult to control (Check out our blog “How to Break the Cycle of Obsessive Thoughts”)
Idealization of the person, overlooking flaws and focusing only on their positive traits
Emotional dependency on their responses (e.g., your mood rises or falls based on how they interact with you, etc.)
Intense longing for reciprocation, even if the relationship is undefined or one-sided (Read our blog “What Is A Situationship?”)
Constantly replaying past interactions in your mind, analyzing them for hidden meaning or signs of interest
Frequent fantasizing about a romantic future with the person regardless of current reality
Heightened anxiety or euphoria depending on how close or distant the person feels (Read our blog “4 Ways to Manage Your Relationship Anxiety”)
Strong physical attraction often coupled with emotional craving
Difficulty focusing on other tasks or relationships due to mental preoccupation
Reading into small gestures (e.g., a smile, a text, or eye contact can feel disproportionately significant)
Fear of rejection or abandonment even if no relationship exists yet
Compulsive checking of their social media or online activity for signs of interest or connection
Neglect of personal needs or boundaries in pursuit of emotional closeness or attention from the person
What is the difference between limerence and genuine love?
Limerence is based on idealization; Genuine love accepts and values the whole person, flaws and all
Limerence involves obsessive, intrusive thoughts; Genuine love allows for emotional balance and personal space
Limerence thrives on uncertainty and emotional highs/lows; Genuine love grows in stability, trust, and consistency
Limerence seeks validation and reciprocation to relieve anxiety; Genuine love gives and receives support freely and securely
Limerence focuses on fantasy and future potential; Genuine love is rooted in the present with real connection and shared growth
Limerence often arises quickly and intensely; Genuine love typically develops gradually through deepening intimacy (Check out our blog “How to Unlock Emotional Closeness in Your Relationship with An Intimacy Therapist”)
Limerence causes intense fear of rejection or abandonment; Genuine love is built on mutual commitment and emotional safety
Limerence may persist even when the person is unavailable or uninterested; Genuine love involves a mutual, active bond
Limerence can lead to emotional dependence; Genuine love encourages individual well-being within the relationship
Understanding limerence can be a key step in gaining emotional clarity. Recognizing the difference between romantic attraction, genuine love, and limerence helps people make more mindful decisions in relationships and break free from cycles of obsessive thinking. It is not a flaw or a failure to experience limerence but becoming aware of it can empower you to navigate your feelings with greater self-compassion and insight.
Who is prone to limerence?
Limerence can affect anyone, but certain personality traits, attachment styles, and life circumstances can make someone more prone to experiencing it. People with anxious attachment styles, for instance, often seek deep emotional connection and reassurance from others. This can lead to heightened sensitivity to attention, affection, or perceived signs of reciprocation which is ground for limerent feelings to grow. Individuals who fear abandonment or have low self-esteem may also find themselves especially vulnerable, as limerence can offer an intense though often one-sided sense of validation and worth.
Anxious attachment is one of the strongest predictors of limerence. People with this attachment style tend to feel insecure in relationships, worrying that they are not truly loved or that they will be rejected. This insecurity can drive them to hyper-focus on someone who shows even the slightest interest, interpreting that attention as deeply meaningful and potentially transformative. The limerent object may be seen as someone who can finally meet their emotional needs, leading to idealization and emotional dependency. This heightened need for closeness can result in obsessively analyzing every interaction, constantly seeking reassurance, and experiencing emotional extremes based on the other person’s behavior. For someone with anxious attachment, limerence feels like love but it is often rooted in fear. To heal, read our blog “How to Use Anxious Attachment Therapy to Build Secure Attachment.”
Individuals who fear abandonment often crave deep emotional bonds, sometimes to the point of idealizing any potential connection that feels safe or promising. For these individuals, limerence can become a coping mechanism or an intense emotional attachment that creates the illusion of security. The limerent object may seem like a lifeline, someone who cannot possibly leave because of the imagined depth of the connection. Even minor interactions, such as a smile or casual compliment, can be interpreted as profound signs of mutual interest, reinforcing the fantasy and deepening the emotional dependency. The fear of losing that imagined connection only fuels the obsession, making it hard to step back and see the relationship (or lack thereof) clearly. To learn more, view our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
People with low self-esteem are also particularly susceptible to limerence. When someone struggles with feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, the attention or presence of another person can feel disproportionately validating. The limerent object becomes a mirror through which the limerent sees a more lovable or worthy version of themselves. Because of this, the emotional highs tied to small interactions can be euphoric, while the lows, such as perceived indifference or rejection, can be devastating. Limerence, in this case, becomes a cycle of external validation that temporarily soothes inner doubts but ultimately reinforces the belief that one's value depends on someone else's approval. Check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
Those going through emotionally challenging or transitional periods, such as a breakup, divorce, relocation, or loss, may also be more susceptible. In these cases, limerence can serve as an emotional distraction or a way to fill a perceived void. The idealization of a "limerent object" (the person who is the focus of limerence) can feel like a source of hope, excitement, or purpose even if the connection is largely imagined or not reciprocated.
Creative, introspective, or highly empathetic individuals may also be more likely to experience limerence as they tend to dwell on emotions, analyze interactions, and romanticize connections. These traits can amplify the obsessive and fantasized aspects of limerence, turning ordinary interest into something all-consuming. While limerence is not exclusive to any one group, understanding your personal emotional patterns can help you recognize when your feelings are deviating from healthy attraction into the realm of emotional obsession.
How does limerence usually end?
Limerence is an emotionally intense experience, but it is rarely sustainable in the long term. While it can feel all-consuming in the moment, it typically ends in one of a few distinct ways with each way offering its own kind of clarity or resolution.
In some cases, limerence transitions into a genuine, reciprocal relationship. When the feelings are returned and both people begin to truly know one another, the obsessive intensity tends to fade, making way for a more stable, grounded form of love. This shift marks a healthy evolution from fantasy to reality where the bond deepens through mutual trust and understanding.
More commonly, however, limerence ends with the realization that the feelings are not reciprocated. This might happen through clear rejection or a slow dawning awareness that the limerent object is emotionally unavailable or uninterested. Though painful, this kind of ending can offer emotional release by replacing uncertainty with closure and allowing the limerent person to begin healing and regaining their emotional balance.
Limerence can also dissolve gradually through emotional burnout or disillusionment. Over time, the fantasy may begin to wear thin as reality fails to meet imagined expectations. The emotional highs become less rewarding and the obsessive thoughts less frequent, leading to a natural decline in intensity. This kind of ending often comes with a sense of weariness, but also the chance for renewed self-awareness.
While the end of limerence can feel like a loss, it can also be a turning point. Whether it fades, transforms, or breaks apart, its conclusion often leaves space for personal growth, healthier emotional patterns, and more authentic relationships moving forward.
Breaking Limerence through Relationship Counseling in Jersey City
Limerence can feel like a whirlwind- intense, exhilarating, and all-consuming. But when it begins to disrupt your emotional stability, relationships, or sense of self, it may be time to seek support. In Jersey City, relationship counseling offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore the root causes of limerence and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. With the guidance of a licensed relationship therapist at Anchor Therapy, individuals can begin to untangle the emotional patterns that fuel obsessive thoughts, idealization, and dependency on unavailable or emotionally distant people.
Our therapists who are trained in attachment theory, trauma recovery, and emotional regulation can help clients identify the deeper issues driving their limerent feelings, such as fear of abandonment, low self-worth, or unresolved past relationships. Through one-on-one counseling or even couples therapy, you can learn to recognize the difference between genuine emotional connection and the fantasy-driven intensity of limerence. Our dating counselors may also guide you in building self-awareness, improving boundaries, and learning how to ground your emotions in reality rather than in projection or longing.
What are the benefits of working with a relationship therapist for limerence?
Identifies underlying causes such as attachment wounds, low self-esteem, or unresolved past relationships
Clarifies the difference between limerence, love, and healthy attraction
Provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore intense emotions and obsessive thoughts
Teaches emotional regulation tools to manage anxiety, rumination, and emotional highs/lows (Read our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions”)
Helps set and maintain healthy boundaries, especially with emotionally unavailable or unreciprocated connections (Check out our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships”)
Interrupts obsessive thought patterns through mindfulness, cognitive techniques, and reflection
Builds self-awareness around emotional needs and relationship expectations
Encourages healthier relational patterns
Supports healing from rejection or emotional pain without shame or self-blame
Improves communication and relationship skills whether you are single or currently partnered
Empowers long-term growth, helping you create and sustain meaningful, mutual relationships
For those in Jersey City navigating complex romantic dynamics, whether you are in a relationship or fixated on someone outside of it, relationship counseling offers personalized support and practical tools for change. Breaking free from limerence is not about suppressing feelings, but rather understanding them so you can reclaim your emotional clarity and form relationships that are healthy, reciprocal, and real. With the right therapeutic support, moving beyond limerence is not only possible, it can be transformative.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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