A trauma bond occurs between a person and someone who mistreats them. This relationship often involves a strong emotional connection. The person who is being hurt may feel confused or even scared of their abuser, but they may also be dependent on them which makes it hard to leave the relationship. This is a trauma-bonded relationship.
A trauma bond involves cycles of negative reinforcement coupled with occasional happenings of positive reinforcement. The bouts of positive reinforcement are what makes it so difficult for people to leave an abusive relationship.
Other people may use the term ‘trauma bonding’ to refer to a different idea- a bond they form with someone by revealing a personal trauma, such as a sexual assault. For the sake of this blog, we will primarily discuss trauma bonding in the context of an unhealthy or toxic relationship.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is a trauma bond?
Every trauma bond has a foundation of abuse where harmful tactics are employed, such as gaslighting; shaming; control; manipulation; sabotage; and so on. In intermediate moments, an abuser may showcase fleeting moments of affection, care, calmness, or love. The high highs and low lows of this kind of relationship can make it hard for a victim to leave as they begin to unhealthily attach themselves to their abuser.
Trauma bonds commonly occur in romantic relationships. As it is already, it is difficult to mentally process emotional or physical abuse, particular if your abuser acts loving after the incident. Trauma bonding can also occur between an adult and child or teen, colleagues, and friends.
With trauma bonding, one person abuses the other, inflicting trauma, and after the abuse, they showcase positive reinforcement. For the person being abused, traumatic experiences can trigger many complex emotions that are hard to cope with. Therefore, a victim may come to feel attached to their abuser. A victim may convince themselves that this is love and start to build an emotional attachment.
Recognizing signs that you are in a trauma bond relationship is difficult because, when you are in this type of romantic connection, your perception of reality is warped.
Some common indicators of a trauma bond relationship are:
Feeling like you are on an intense emotional rollercoaster:
Dramatic conflicts and reconciliation are the norm. There are frequent shifts between emotional highs and lows- intense happiness may be replaced with severe anxiety and vice versa
Hope for change:
You may cling to rare instances of kindness or affection as evidence that you should stay in the relationship
Rationalizing or minimizing abuse:
You may believe that the abuse is somehow your fault or that you deserve it. You may falsely believe that you can change your abuser through your actions
Isolation:
Your abuser may isolate you from family, friends, and loved ones which prevents you from gaining perspective on your situation
Dependency:
You may feel like you cannot function or find happiness without your abuser in your life
Cycle of abuse:
Repeated cycles of abuse followed by periods of calmness can reinforce your trauma bond and make it harder to escape
Self-blame and guilt:
You may feel like you are responsible for your abuser’s actions and/or feel guilt or shame over leaving your abuser
Confusion about reality:
Inconsistent messages from your abuser can lead to confusion about your relationship and even question your perceptions or experiences
Ask yourself the following reflective questions to clarify your romantic situation:
How do I feel after I interact with my partner?
Do I find myself obsessively thinking about my significant other?
Do I feel responsible for my partner’s behavior?
Do I often blame myself for the relationship’s problems?
Is there a pattern of abuse followed by periods of calmness and/or affection?
Do I see moments of kindness that make me want to stay in the romantic connection?
Am I emotionally or financially dependent on my partner?
Am I isolated from my loved ones because of this relationship?
Does my partner control my actions and/or interactions?
Am I afraid of the consequences if I end this relationship?
Do I question my own perceptions because of this relationship?
Do I feel trapped or unable to leave the relationship even though it is harmful?
Unfortunately, there is more mental health research that needs to be done on trauma bonding and intimate partner abuse. However, one study has shown that over 29% of women in the United States have experienced intimate partner abuse in one form although any gender can experience interpersonal violence.
Example of a trauma bond
A common example of trauma bonds you may see in television or real life is an abusive romantic relationship. Let us say that Jennifer is in a relationship with Joseph. Joseph often makes fun of Jennifer, belittles her, and has occasional physically violent outbursts. After each abusive episode, Joseph becomes extremely apologetic, buys Jennifer a bouquet of flowers, and says that he will change his ways.
Some indicators that this is a trauma bond include the fact that this relationship is characterized as an emotional rollercoaster ride. Jennifer experiences high highs and low lows at the hands of Joseph which only strengthens her emotional attachment to him.
Jennifer may also rationalize the abuse, convincing herself that Joseph’s behavior is due to stress or another external factor that does not involve her. Even if Joseph is experiencing stress, it clearly does not excuse his abusive behavior.
Lastly, Jennifer may hold out hope that Joseph will change his ways even though the abuse is still occurring. Instead, Jennifer tries to zone out the negative and only focus on the positive moments.
Does a trauma bond feel like love?
It is possible for a trauma bond to feel like love. From a fresh, unbiased pair of eyes, it would be obvious that this is not really a form of true love but, instead, it is a distorted or unhealthy version of it. The intensity of emotions and deep attachment that you may feel towards your abuser can be mistaken for love, particularly when the relationship has its moments of affection or kindness.
Love is based on mutual respect and kindness. On the other hand, trauma bonds are based on obligation, fear, and guilt.
Here are a trauma bond’s similarities to love:
Commitment or sacrifice
Desire to help
Strong emotional attachment
Highs and lows
Here are a trauma bond’s differences from love:
Control and manipulation
Self-blame and guilt
Isolation
Emotional instability
Rationalizing harmful behavior
Fear and dependency
The intense emotions involved in a healthy relationship and a trauma bond can be hard to differentiate. However, when you peel back the layers and view the dynamics of your relationship for what they truly are, you can see the telltale signs of a trauma bond, such as manipulation and control. Seeking support from a trauma therapist at Anchor Therapy can also help you gain perspective on your relationship.
What are the seven stages of trauma bonding?
There are traditionally seven stages to trauma bonding, and recognizing the complex dynamics of a trauma bond can help you identify unhealthy patterns in your relationships and take the steps needed towards mental health healing and trauma recovery.
Knowing the seven stages of trauma bonding can allow you to understand why your relationship feels so difficult to leave and why emotional responses may feel confusing to you. Recognizing the stages can also validate the emotions you are feeling while giving you a chance to develop strategies to break free from the trauma cycle and seek healthier connections.
Keep reading to learn about the seven stages of trauma bonding:
Love bombing
The first sign of a trauma bond connection is love bombing. Love bombing traditionally occurs in the beginning portion of a relationship and it involves excessive flattery and praise of a partner, usually from the abuser to the victim. An abuser may pull out all of the stops and make grand gestures to their partner. Love bombing makes the victim trust the abuser so they can let their guard down and, for the abuser, it makes them seem like they have good intentions.
For more information on love bombing, check out our blog “Overcoming The Aftermath of Love Bombing”.
2. Trust and dependency
In the second stage of trauma bond formation, an abuser will try to do anything that they can so their partner will trust them. This normally looks like making their partner dependent on them and/or trying to quickly advance the relationship. The abusive partner may talk about being ‘soulmates’, or that you and them were made for each other. Love bombing and this formation of trust will typically lead the victim into thinking that the abuser is a genuinely good person. In other words, the abuser succeeds in planting a positive idea of themselves into their partner’s head.
3. Criticism
After your abuser has gained your trust, the abuser will start to criticize you and pick you apart. They do this with the intention of making you feel worse about yourself. When an argument takes place, you will be blamed regardless of the circumstances so that you will think something is wrong with you. This will cause you to doubt yourself, and believe that your abuser is there for you no matter what.
4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that will have you questioning your perception of reality. When a person gaslights you, they are essentially shifting the blame onto you. They manipulate you, making you think that you are in the wrong or are ‘crazy.’
For more information on gaslighting, check out our blog “3 Steps To Survive Gaslighting”.
5. Resignation and submission
In an effort to avoid conflict, a victim does not know what to believe and gives into the abuser’s wishes. Instead of trying to fight back, it seems easier to do things as the abuser wants and it may appear that when everything is going according to plan, your abuser does not lash out on you.
Over time, this leads to a victim becoming more dependent on their abuser. They may attempt to please them more and more so no conflict arises. This form of dependency could look like getting married to your partner or staying home and not working while you take care of the children.
Resignation may also arise. You do not want to make your situation worse, so it seems like your only choice is to please your partner and make sure they are content.
6. Loss of self
When you are in a trauma bond relationship, you lose who you are as a person and your self-confidence decreases. You become isolated and disconnected when it comes to your identity. Who are you outside of your trauma bond? Who are you without your partner?
Over time, your shame may build up and you may not even recognize who you are anymore. All of this can be very hard to recover from emotionally.
7. Addiction
Addiction is a common endpoint of any trauma bond. After the abuse ensues, love bombing and positive reinforcement will occur, keeping the toxic cycle going. It is possible for a person to become addicted to this cycle.
An abuser may avoid their partner or stop giving them attention all together until they get what they want. When this happens, a victim may feel in control even if it is for a fleeting moment. This may make the victim feel like the abuser truly loves them.
An emotional addiction is a very real thing. You can become addicted to a feeling or a response someone gives you to your emotions.
Signs of an emotional addiction include the following:
Difficulty planning
Poor decision-making
Unfitting behaviors
Difficulties with self-management
Lessened productivity
Impaired relationships
Awareness of the stages empowers you to make informed decisions about your future. It helps you regain a sense of control over your life so you can understand the manipulative tactics at hand and see how it may have influenced your decisions in the past.
By understanding trauma bonding, you will also be more equipped to recognize and avoid relationships in the future with a similar dynamic. By building healthy patterns, you also build healthy emotional responses.
For further clarification, check out our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
A trauma bond is usually built on control and abuse. These relationships can feel confusing and emotionally charged, but you can break free and reclaim your sense of self by attending trauma counseling!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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