As a child, you feel like your parents are indestructible. Your father is Superman and your mother is Superwoman. They can face anything, and they are your protectors. But, as you age into adolescence and, eventually, young adulthood, you are excited as life transitions are constantly occurring. With increased age, you have more freedoms- you can drive, stay out later than usual, you go off to college, and so on. However, as you are getting older, so are your parents. As a child or teen, you may not notice it right away.
Growing older is not always easy. Growing older represents a time of aging for everyone, including your parents. When your parents become senior citizens, they may also experience differing levels of their independence. Perhaps you have to step in and parent your parents. Your parents may become stubborn or argumentative. It is a stressful time for everyone involved. Through counseling for aging parents, you can learn how to approach the situation with sensitivity and empathy.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How do you deal with an elderly parent?
When you are not a senior citizen, it can be hard to fully comprehend what your parents are going through. The challenges they are facing are not something you are going through first-hand, so it may make sympathizing with their struggles a bit more difficult. However, by teaching yourself about age-related issues, you can come to understand their experiences more. This will help you stay both compassionate and patient.
For your parents, aging may bring along a lot of anxiety, fear, and frustration. As they age even more, they may lose their ability to function or maintain an independent lifestyle.
You can try to gain insight about the following topics for aging parents:
Social isolation - Read our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic”
Affording medical care
Coordinating and getting to and from doctor’s appointments - Check out our blog “Why Do I Get Anxiety Before A Doctor’s Appointment?”
Being taken advantage of due to age (e.g., finances)
Patience and persistence are the major things you should aim to learn when dealing with aging parents. Do not assume that, just because your parents are getting older, they are incapable of taking care of themselves. Your parents may still be able to care for themselves, clean their home, go grocery shopping, and so on.
If issues do come up with your parents, such as your parents being unable to care for themselves properly, you should bring up your concerns from a place of love. Instead of criticizing them (which may be your natural first response), you could say something like “I’m worried that you are not eating enough since it looks like you have been losing a lot of weight these past few weeks.” Sticking to “I” statements is a good rule of thumb since it showcases your concern without unfairly blaming your parents. Pointing the finger at your parents and telling them that they do not know how to manage their lives will likely not go over well.
Is it normal to get frustrated with elderly parents?
For adult children, being a caregiver can wear you thin. As you grow older, your parents do as well and the part of your life of being a ‘child’ is slowly fading away. You are used to your parents being your protectors, but this role may begin to change as they age. It is a natural transition where you now have to care for and look out for your parents more than they are doing it for you.
As a caregiver, you may feel:
Anger
Anxiety
Fear
Frustration
Guilt
Resentment
And many other complex emotions
In many cultures, people struggle to see age-related declines. It is likely that you and your family value autonomy, and many people equate a loss of independence with vulnerability. For support, read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
Your parents were once solely responsible for you and, now, the weight may be all on your shoulders to be responsible for and take care of them. You may also experience resistance from them, perhaps the same way you once rebelled against them as a teen.
You may even be in shock of your parents’ decline. Maybe their health decline quickly accelerated. Perhaps you did not know the full extent of your parents’ financial situations. Or, you need to move your parents into your home, which may be causing relationship issues with your partner or spouse.
According to the PEW Research Center, roughly 1 in 7 middle-aged adults are supporting an aging parent and a child at the same time. Being a parent to both your child and parents comes along with a great deal of emotional and financial stress. This is at the core of caregiver stress. Check out our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions” for guidance.
It is normal to feel frustrated with loved ones as they age. The ones we are the closest to are often the ones who get the brunt of our emotions, especially when we are angry or frustrated. You may also experience complex emotions, like guilt or resentment, when you are caring for a senior parent. This is often referred to as caregiver resentment, which can occur in different relationship dynamics- not just a parent-child dynamic. It does not mean that you are a bad person if you are experiencing caregiver resentment.
This resentment can be directed towards your parents, other family members, or the situation at large.
Here are some factors that contribute to caregiver resentment:
Loss of personal freedom
Emotional strain
Financial strain
Lack of appreciation
Imbalanced responsibilities (e.g., having an unequal share of caregiver duties compared to other family members)
Role reversal
Chronic stress
Unmet expectations (e.g., differences between your expectations and the reality of the caregiving situation)
What is caretaker stress syndrome?
In simple terms, caretaker stress syndrome is burnout. This is a state where you are emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted which can impact your ability to care for your parents.
Being a caregiver is very demanding. Even when you need to fill up your own cup first, it can feel hard to prioritize your needs. When your mind and body are becoming heavy, you may feel fatigued, negative, or even hopeless.
The causes of caregiver burnout encompass the following:
Unrealistic expectations:
You may have unrealistic expectations of yourself as a caregiver, believing that you have to provide all assistance with no external support.
Social isolation:
You may have little to no time for social activities or personal interests which can lead to feelings of loneliness.
Emotional stress:
Constantly worrying about your parents’ condition can cause a lot of stress.
Financial pressure:
Medical care costs, medication costs, and other expenses can cause a financial strain within your household.
Role confusion:
It is a switch of roles - you are not parenting your parents. It can also be hard to manage your parents on top of your other roles, such as being a boss, employee, spouse, parent, friend, brother, sister, and so on.
Health issues:
Taking care of your parents may cause you to neglect your own health needs, such as opting for fast-food instead of home-cooked meals or skipping out on workouts.
Some symptoms of caretaker stress syndrome may be easy to identify while other pressures may build internally.
Signs and symptoms of caretaker stress syndrome include:
Exhaustion
Sleep problems (e.g., sleeping too much or too little) - Read our blog “Unlocking the Secrets of Quality Sleep: A Therapist’s Perspective on Sleep Hygiene and Insomnia”
Mood swings
Anxiety - Read our blog and take our Anxiety Quiz “Do I Have Anxiety? Take The Quiz and Learn 5 Instant Calming Tips”)
Depression - Take our “Depression Quiz”
Losing or gaining weight
Becoming easily angry or irritated - Our blog “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management” is a must-read
Loss of interest in previously-enjoyable activities
Feeling overwhelmed, tired, sad, or constantly worried
Abusing drugs or alcohol - Read our blog “5 Ways to Help Someone Battling Addiction and Substance Abuse Issues”
Having frequent headaches, bodily pain, or other physical symptoms - Check out our blog “3 Ways to Manage Your Physical Anxiety Symptoms”
If left unaddressed, caregiver burnout can impact you and your parents. Ignoring your own needs and experiences will lead to emotional and physical exhaustion, as well as becoming less empathetic, impatient, and argumentative.
Feelings of burnout can also lead to anxiety and depression. You may feel like it is your duty to take care of your parents but, because of this obligation, you are missing out on your own life. You are unable to engage in activities you enjoy or keep up with your social circle and life, leading to a fear of missing out.
If you are experiencing caregiver resentment or caregiver stress syndrome, we recommend that you meet with a stress and anxiety therapist at Anchor Therapy.
For guidance, read our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them.” If you are a parent caring for someone, check out our blog “Your Guide to Self-Care As A Parent.”
How to deal with the stress of caring for an elderly parent
Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed with your position as a caregiver, try to put yourself in the shoes of your parents. You may feel frustrated at the moment, but what if you were in the position of your parents? How would you like to be treated?
Your aging parents do need support, but they do not want to be made to feel incapable. Honoring their ability to do certain activities, such as getting the mail from the mailbox, can also unburden you of some responsibilities.
Even though this phase of your life may be difficult, try to showcase gratitude. You still have your parents with you, and it is likely that there are a lot of other positive things going on in your life that you do not even realize. Perhaps you have your dream job. Maybe you have a really supportive partner by your side.
You may even find pockets of happiness and gratitude during the time you spend with your parents. For example, if you have a parent who struggles with poor memory issues but they then remember something from your childhood, you could have a minute of gratitude for this experience. Focusing on the positive can keep you in a positive mindset.
Dealing with difficult aging parents is all about picking your battles. Not every problem is worth fighting over. If your parent insists on making their own cup of coffee and they are capable of doing so, let them do it. However, there may be some problems that really need to be addressed, such as your parent wanting to skip out on an important doctor’s appointment.
Productive conversations are not going to occur when you or your parents are exhausted or stressed out. When you are all feeling relaxed, try to have that challenging conversation. When you are feeling stressed and anxious and are trying to have an emotionally-hard discussion, your parents will feed off of that fear.
On some level, it is likely that your parents know they are aging and changes are going on. You may try to please them by avoiding conversations about the future, but you do have to admit the reality of the situation. Maybe the situation has gotten so severe to the point that your parents cannot live on their own, forcing you to make a decision- do you move them into your home or place your parents in a senior care community? Stating your concerns and speaking openly with your loved ones can reassure them that these life transitions are to be expected.
Dealing with aging parents can be difficult, but it does not mean that your life has to stop or that your emotions do not matter. When you are taking care of other people, it may feel like you need to keep it together 24/7 and not showcase how you are truly feeling, but bottling up your emotions does not help anyone involved, including your parents. Learn how to prioritize yourself and your self-care needs so you can help the people around you successfully.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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